On My Own
by I'mafreakinStarshipRanger
Summary: A songfic to "On My Own" from Les Mis. Spayonder
1. Chapter 1

The streets outside the G.L.E.E headquarters were silent, save for the light patter of raindrops. The was a small town right outside of it, filled with small shops and houses. The streetlights glowed a dim orange on the sidewalk.

_Sometimes I walk alone at night When everybody else is sleeping_

Specs looked up at the moon, peeking through the rain clouds. These nightly walks were not helping her insomnia one bit, but it had become a routine for her.

_I think of him and then I'm happyWith the company I'm keeping _

She closed her eyes, picturing his face. That morning, when she almost fell asleep at breakfast, Krayonder had told her he was worried that she wasn't getting enough sleep. She'd promised him that she would stop pulling all-nighters, but secretly, she was happy that he was concerned for her. It wade her want to be completely reckless, just to get him to look at her. It was stupid, irrational, and completely unlike her. But that was how much power he had over her.

_The city goes to bedAnd I can live inside my head _

If he was here, he would tell her to turn back. She would refuse, and he would ask if she would at least let him walk with her. She would hug onto his arm, and they would wander the streets, talking of everything and nothing at all.

_On my ownPretending he's beside me_

She found herself doing this a lot; pretending that he walked with her, that they were lovers, whispering in the rain. This was almost more unlike her than being reckless. She had promised her self long ago that she would stop living in fantasies and chasing fairy tales. The didn't exist, not for girls like her, at least. Girls like her could dream all they want, but there was no prince waiting to take them to the ball.

_All aloneI walk with him till morning_

Still, there was something about the night that made her let go of all those doubts. The streets became her playground, where she could pretend all she wanted. It didn't make it hurt any less when the sun rose, but she was content with how ever much of Krayonder she could get, even if all she was allowed was an imaginary figure, barely a ghost.

_Without himI feel his arms around me_

She could almost feel his warm arms wrapping around her, his sweet lips pressing a kiss to her cheek. He would be one to do that, like a sweet, perfect gentleman. Most people didn't believe him to be like that, but she'd seen him date enough girls to know. He was possibly one of the most romantic people she knew.

_And when I lose my way I close my eyesAnd he has found me _

Then, he would put a hand on her cheek, turning her head slightly so she was facing him. He would kiss her. She would grin against his lips, spinning so she was completely facing him. They would laugh together as the rain poured down, soaking them to the bone.

_In the rain the pavement shines like silverAll the lights are misty in the river_

Everything seemed so much better with him. The small backstreet suddenly became the most beautiful place in the galaxy. The lights glowed like fairies, the streets became a beautiful array of silver and diamonds. But his cinnamon-brown eyes outshone even the very stars, more than matching every jewel in beauty. His voice was all the sweet music she needed, as they twirled around, dancing to their heartbeats.

_In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight_

_And all I see is him and me forever and forever _

She would sigh as he pressed his forehead against hers. She would whisper her love for him over and over, until the words lost meaning, becoming only sounds. He would chuckle, holding her tighter. They would live that perfect fairytale dream, be those lovers that people would look at and sigh, wishing they could be them. The rest of the world would be gone, leaving only him, her, and that rainy backstreet.

_And I know it's only in my mindThat I'm talking to myself and not to himAnd although I know that he is blindStill I say, there's a way for us _

She knew she was being stupid, though. He would never see her as more than a companion, a friend to go to for advice and council. Why would he see any romantic qualities in her? No, he only dated pretty girls, with perfect bodies and flowy perfect hair. A perfect girl for a perfect man. How fitting it was.

_I love himBut when the night is over_

She looked up at the sky. It had turned orange at the tips of the horizon. She hadn't realized how much time had gone by; soon it would be time for breakfast and morning training.

_He is goneThe river's just a river_

Just like that, her pretend world had disappeared. He faded away like a ghost, looking at her with that same damn goofy grin that haunted her. Tears stung her eyes as her legs shook; she suddenly felt so tired.

_Without himThe world around me changes _

The streets now seemed damp and depressing as the garish sun rose higher and higher. She found her hating the day more and more with every sunrise.

_The trees are bare and everywhereThe streets are full of strangers_

Soon, the world would wake up and people would start heading to work, smiling and saying hello as they passed. They knew nothing of this pain, nothing of what it felt like to be haunted by this beautiful demon known as Krayonder. She knew it was selfish to think like that, that there were people way worse off than her.

_I love himBut every day I'm learning_

It was just another reason he deserved better than her; she was selfish for loving him. He deserved to fall in love with a kind, selfless, beautiful woman. She would look at him the way Specs did, and he would return it. They would get married and have beautiful children and grow old together. It was what she wanted for him, even if she couldn't have the same.

_All my lifeI've only been pretending_

It was unhealthy for her to escape into her mind like a child. It only made it harder for her to let go of him. She felt sick, like she was slowly going insane. Her stomach churned, and she realized that she was shaking from her crying, and from sheer tiredness.

_Without meHis world would go on turning_

_A world that's full of happinessThat I have never known_

She hadn't realized that she was stumbling in zigzags until she ran into a building. She slumped against it, sinking to the pavement. She rested her head on the damp stones.

_I love him_

Sleep was what she really needed. She was too far from the base to get back in time to sleep, let alone to get to training.

_I love him_

All logic was completely gone from her mind, and suddenly, the sidewalk seemed like a good place to take a nap.

_I love him _

She closed her eyes, shielding him from the bright sun. She could hear footsteps walking toward her, but she didn't care.

_But only on my own. _

"Whoa, man! Specs, are you ok?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Whoa, man! Specs, are you ok?"

Krayonder ran up to her crumpled form on the sidewalk, and shook her slightly by the shoulders. "Specs! Wake up!"

She opened her eyes, which were red and bloodshot. He could see streaks of tears running down her cheeks, and yet she smiled. It was a deranged, tired grin.

"I've got you worried, now I have," she mumbled. "That shows you like me quite a lot."

She closed her eyes again, as Krayonder put his arms around her. "Come on, let's get you home."

She cuddled into his chest as he picked her up. It was so endearing and adorable, aside from the fact that he had pretty much just stopped her from sleeping on the sidewalk. He wanted so badly to ask her why she had walked this far away from the base, why she fell asleep on the sidewalk, why she always looked so sad and tired nowadays, but she was soon fast asleep in his arms. He decided it would be better to ask her later, after she got a good rest.

He opened the hovercar door and set her in the passenger seat, reaching across her to put her seatbelt on. He had gone driving all across the town after searching the entire base, not able to find her.

She rested her head against the window. Krayonder felt a pang inside him; he was so insanely worried about her. It had just been little things at first, like her looking tired, or spacing out a lot. But then It grew worse, and she would fall asleep while she was working, not even respond to anything he said. She had told him that she was fine, that it was just insomnia, but he knew better. He could see the look in her eyes whenever she lied.

He just wanted her to be happy again. He wanted her to laugh and smile like she used to, because she was so beautiful when she did.

Soon, he pulled up to the base. He pick her up out of the car and carried her inside. Immediately, he ran into Taz and Up, walking out of the gym.

"Is she alright?" Up asked, a concerned look on his face.

"I just found her asleep on the corner of Park and fifth street."

The pair looked at him, shocked.

"Whoa…" Taz raised an eyebrow. "Maybe… Maybe jou should take her to de sick bay…"

"Yeah, that's what I think I'm gonna do. I might be a bit late for training-"

"Take all the time you need," Up assured him, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

He continued walking, his footsteps echoing eerily in the empty hall. Almost everybody would be in morning training by now.

He kicked open the sick bay door and set her down on the bed. As much as he wanted to stay there with her, he knew Taz would be pissed at him if he didn't get to training soon. And _not _having Taz pissed at him was usually a good thing.

He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "See you later."

Krayonder wasn't able to go back to the sick bay to see Specs until later that evening. In his hands he carried a tray with some food for her, incase she was hungry.

When he walked in, he found her sitting up in bed, reading a book. She looked up at him, cheeks slightly red.

"Hey," he said, placing the tray on the table next to her He sat down on the edge of the bed. "How are you doing?"

"I'm… Better. I just needed some sleep, that's all."

"Ok," he sighed. "Now will you tell me what's really going on?"

"W-what?" her eyes had grown wide, and she slunk back under the blanket a bit.

"Both you and I know that you haven't been yourself lately." he held onto her hand, squeezing it. "And I'm really worried about you, man. You know that if there's anything going on, you can always tell me, right?"

She closed her eyes. "I-… I can't. I can't tell you."

That hurt. Krayonder furrowed his eyebrows; him and Specs had always told each other everything, ever since they met at the academy. They were best friends. "Why… why not?"

"Because I don't want to ruin what we have!" her eyes pleaded him to not press further.

"Specs, nothing you could ever say could make me want to stop being your friend. Remember back at the academy, when I yelled at those girls for making fun of you?"

"Yes…"

"That day, I told you that you were my best friend, and that I would always be there for you. When I said that, I meant it- I want you to be happy, I want you to smile, damn it! If anything is bothering you, I want to help you. Please! I _need _you to tell me. Because whenever I see you like this, it kills me inside."

"I stay up all night walking so I could pretend you're walking with me, ok?" she shouted, eyes watering. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Because it's the truth! I'm so madly in love with you, even though a girl like _me _could never deserve a guy like _you_! I'm a ugly, stupid girl who can do nothing but dream! Happy now?"

Krayonder stared at her, feeling like he'd just been punched in the gut. What she said… she was in love with him?

He felt like an idiot.

"Wha… You… I…" his head was spinning. "You love me?"

"Not that it matters."

"No, no, man." he was grinning like mad now. "It does. You have no idea how much it does. Ha! This- this is great!" suddenly, his grin fell. "Oh god. Damn it, I'm such an idiot!"

Now it was Specs' turn to be confused. "What are you trying to say, Krayonder?"

"Dude, you have no idea how long I've wanted to tell you that I love you. And here, this whole time, you've been in love with me. It's so dumb, 'cuz I've been too sacred to tell you. But… I could've stopped this, and I just feel like such a dumb-ass."

"It's not your fault, you had no way of knowing- wait. You- you love me too?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." They were both smiling, amazed at what they heard. Specs' eyes were watering even more, and she even started crying.

"No, no, come on, man." Krayonder put a hand on his cheek, trying to wipe off her tears. "Don't cry."

"Sorry, I can't I- I'm just so happy, and… I love you so much."

He smiled, pulling her so close to him that they could each feel the other's heart beating. Suddenly, his lips were on hers, her hands on her chest. For the first time ever, Specs felt his arms around her, everything she had ever imagined had come true.

They were together. She was living her dream.


End file.
